Passion

"You lack the fire."
~An old fencing master

Thus was the student's answer given in very few words, but it had a drastic result: the student then gave up fencing, thereby proving the fencing master's words.

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The other day it occurred to me how little I have been writing, but what is more, how little I even think about writing and the things thereof. It used to be that I would rise at five o'clock so as to have at least two good hours before everyone else woke, and I was always thinking about some new story idea, and always working on several projects at once, starting numerous stories, every now and again finishing one. Writing was my life, my passion.

But now...

Now I no longer want to write.

Now my passion for writing has been replaced by something else: fencing. All week I look forward to those days when I can fence, I practice every day and I can hardly think of anything else. It was hard at first—though I always enjoyed it—but now I have gotten to the point where I begin to have enough control that I can think about what is happening; I can do more than react to the person before me, and I have begun to gain confidence in myself. I even feel I might fence all day every day and not tire of it. In fact, my passion for fencing is such that I begin to wonder whether I ought not to forget my desire to be a writer...

As soon as such a thought enters my mind, however, I know it could never be. I write because I cannot not write. Even in these times when I feel as if I will never write anything of worth, I know that I cannot give it up, that I must keep trying.

After all, it has only been a little more than a month since I could hardly think of anything but the story I was finishing. Such a time will come again, I have no doubts. Yet I miss the days when I used to work on projects with others, as that always spurred me on and fueled my desire to write. Now I seek inspiration wherever I may, knowing that I must hope to find it nowhere but in myself.

Yet there is one thing that is essential, both in fencing and in writing. As my good friend and fellow writer put it: "Confidence is, like, tres important." And it is. No matter how I think others might judge my writing, no matter how many harsh criticisms and spurning rejections I get, I must have confidence in myself and my writing.

It is easy with things such as fencing where I can see my improvement and judge it against others, while I have a teacher to point out what I am doing wrong. However, in writing I must be the final judge. And I am a harsh judge.

I do at least have a couple of ideas that are growing in my mind and I may decide to combine them, which would make a really neat story...

I do not want it to be said that I lack the fire.