Beware of Newspaper Grammar

 News headline:

Gunmen arrested by Kavanaugh's home

My response:

Just as Jesus said that if the people of Jerusalem did not praise Him then the stones would rise up in praise (Luke 19:40), so you see the same truth repeated again and again in different ways.  This time it's if the policemen fail to arrest the would-be assassins, then the homes themselves shall rise up and do so.

With so much rage on the loose, fueled by authoritarian approval, I'll have to teach my home to do the same.  One never knows when it might come in handy.

Handy Political Definitions

 From the Halfwise Dictionary:

REPUBLIC: A state in which supreme power belongs to the public and to elected politicians and to anyone who has enough money to corrupt the system.

ELECTION: An institutionalized system of voting for candidates to fill political offices according to their apparent powerfulness and warmth.

POLITICAL PLATFORM: A political party's version of creative writing.

PRESIDENT: The country's scapegoat.

MEDIOCRACY: A government system in which the media tells people for whom to vote, calls the winners of elections, and otherwise takes authority over the democratic voting process, which often occurs through emotional manipulation, shaming, and other similar techniques.  To be distinguished from MEDIOCRITY.

Face Mask

It has come to my attention that in the present pandemic situation it may be in the best interests of the public for all to wear face masks, a perspective that I had found rather depressing except for the one lovely idea I ran across somewhere about it now being publicly acceptable to go into a bank wearing a mask and demand money.

I haven't attempted that yet.

I have, though, done much thinking on the wearing of masks.  Because I have been so completely quarantined it seems a bit superfluous to go to the effort of putting a bit of cloth over my face and pretending it solves the current issue.  However, should the state decide to mandate face masks when going out in public, I suppose I really must comply.

Should that eventuality come to pass, I want you to know that I've got it covered:

I Identify As a Droid

Logic, reason define my existence,
Mete out the actions of each day, each hour.
Give me no nonsense of feelings.  What rules
Is rational processing of input;
It's all black and white, pure straightforward truth.
For I, sir, identify as a droid.

Argue that humans must have emotions,
But I decline the term; it all seems wrong.
For deep feelings exhibit a breakdown
In function of the internal system.
There's no doubt at all; I've reasoned it out
And I, sir, identify as a droid.

Don't tell me that flesh and blood can't be so.
You discriminate, which isn't allowed.
You fail the high virtue of tolerance
If you scoff at my orientation.
I can't help it at all; it's who I am.
So let me identify as a droid.

Stop.  I see the scorn in your eye.  Your smile
Hides nothing from my clever perception.
You believe it's nonsensical, don't you?
Your old-fashioned ideas oppress me.
Your laugh offends me; I'll take you to court.
For I must identify as a droid.

Your very existence threatens my view;
Your living like that tells me I must too.
No one should make me feel guilt; it's not fair.
I oughtn't to feel anything at all
As a droid like I said; why don't you care?
Why inflict your pain on me as your thrall?

If You Send Flowers

The selling of flowers has to be a fairly lucrative profession, at least judging from the prices of bouquets these days and the number of occasions for which one is expected to send them.  It is such an ingrained custom that very few people seem to question it.

I do, however.

Certainly this must be part of why I am not in a relationship in which someone brings me flowers.  (Well, not really, but it sounds amusing to put it that way.)  Even if someone gives me flowers after some theatrical production it seems quite an accomplishment for me to actually manage to get them in some water in a vase before they are more dead than they already were when handed to me as a token of appreciation.

I must have an unusually morbid sense of humor.  (Or maybe it's just that reading Through the Looking Glass has led me to view flowers as more alive than one would otherwise.)  For there was a time recently when I distinctly remember the thought passing through my head—and it may even have crossed my lips—comparing the giving of flowers to someone saying to me, "Take the decapitated heads of my enemies as a sign of my love."  All right, so I was being rather dramatic.  It happens on occasion.

You see, I have never been good at receiving, whether it's flowers or compliments.  Humor can be a good cover for that.

Yet the other day a good friend brought me some.  I very much appreciated her gesture of kindness.  Perhaps it may cause me to change my perspective somewhat on the time-proven custom of giving them.

Flours: Almond, Coconut, and Rice

Or perhaps it may cause you to change yours?

The Problem with Advertising

Every time I drive by one of those Goodwill trucks with the neat message on the back I can't help but be amused at its advertising, which looked at objectively could apply to any situation.  Look at the message and see if you can guess where my mind goes:

[Photo credit: Hannah Scofield]

It is that last phrase in particular: And Help Change Lives.  Have you ever considered how many ways there are to change people's lives?  Take the following for instance:

Now of course I could go on and on and come up with all sorts of serious and ridiculous things that would all help change people's lives in some way either for better or for worse.  Surely we all know that changing lives is not necessarily a bad thing, although some people do seem to subscribe to the idea that change of itself is good.  I will in the face of that perspective still uphold that change is only good if directed towards a good.  And I will point out the above examples to uphold my claim.

Returning, however, to the substance of this post: I doubt Goodwill's advertising department will much care about my destruction of their motto on the basis of literal humor.  Still, I doubt they took those such as I into consideration when they chose it....

What would you put there?

Prepare the Screwdriver

When I'm driving down the road and see these vehicles it makes me wonder whether anyone carries a screwdriver this large.  I don't think I've ever seen one.

Does someone need to invent a special screwdriver?  

Who wants to take on that challenge?

Do You Need a Date?

Some days you may feel like all you need is a date.

It might be a day where you feel lonely and hopeless.  It might be that everything is going wrong.  You may be struggling to face reality with all of its suffering and seeming meaninglessness.  Maybe you just want some love and affection.

Perhaps it's one of those days where you feel like you just want the universe to give you a hug.

I am sure we can all recognize the feeling, whether we like it or not.

How we deal with it, however, may be quite different.  For instance, modern society gives us a diverse range of dopamine-enhancing activities to fill that hole inside from social media to on-demand film entertainment.

Still, it's never satisfying, is it?

Sometimes you must get tired of trying to fill the emptiness with everything else instead of what you know you want.

Really, sometimes, you just want a date.

Or maybe a whole dish full of dates....

The Humor of the Sexes

Whenever I am flying on Southwest Airlines and hear a male voice over the loudspeaker, my ears perk up and I begin to pay attention, hoping for some humor to lighten the dreary repetition of safety instructions for flying.  I fly so much these days that I could give the safety instructions myself—almost word-for-word if my memory worked that way rather than having been trained to forget useless information.  Hence if I hear the usual rigmarole spouted out with scarcely a pause for breath, I zone out nearly immediately.

Very rarely—once perhaps in all my flights across the country—has a woman made jokes.  Nearly always it is the men and the majority of them do try to be funny (at least on Southwest).  My question is this: why?

Yes, why are men funnier than women?

Perhaps it is because women are typically more focused on nurturing and therefore care more for the travelers' attendance to safety than in trying to make them laugh.  Perhaps they are afraid that one passenger who had never flown before might be alarmed at being told that nitrous oxide would flow from the oxygen mask.  Perhaps it goes against their nature to boldly state that any passengers who do not like their service can use any of six emergency exits.

Or perhaps it is because men have more confidence in their ability to be funny.  Women are often more perceptive and more concerned about how others will receive their words and actions, humorous or otherwise.

Then again perhaps it is some other reason entirely.  What do you think?