From Brick to Loyalty and Beyond

Once, many years ago, I remember receiving the highest compliment I could ever have received.  A friend of mine—for reasons I have since forgotten—said to me, "You're a brick."

I, being terrible at receiving compliments, turned it aside in my customary literal fashion, making some joke about being heavy or not being rectangular or some such nonsense.  I have entirely forgotten my exact response, but the memory of the experience remains strong.  Why when I received a compliment that warmed my heart to its core would I act as if it meant nothing to me?  Why did I not even give the customary "Thank you" that politeness deserved?

We humans are contrary creatures.  We want things and then go to great lengths to avoid receiving precisely what we desire.  Why?  It might be from fear.  Or guilt.  Or some desperate feeling that we could never be worthy to receive anything good.

Let us return to the idea conveyed through the wonderful compliment I received.  Apparently this term has become dated, at least according to the online Oxford dictionary, which defines it as "a generous, helpful, and reliable person."  The online Merriam Webster dictionary mentions nothing about its archaic nature, but simply states its meaning as "a good-hearted person."  These definitions speak to a meaning you might well guess simply from studying a brick, which has a certain solid quality about it (although their quality may be declining also...).  The term implies a certain steadfastness, a reliability, a loyalty.

We do not always find that loyalty, even though we desire it.  In the words of Shakespeare (Henry VI, Part II, Act V, Scene 1):

O, where is loyalty?
If it be banished from the frosty head,
Where shall it find a harbor in the earth?

Loyalty certainly seems to be a rare quality these days.  Loyal friends are difficult to find, although a great treasure when one discovers them.

Thoughts on loyalty often lead my mind to the haunting lyrics of a song known as "Gollum's Song."  I will leave aside any comments on the appropriateness of the title for the sake of the point I wish to make, for that argument would be a lengthy aside.  In any case, the line from the song I mention bewails a lack of love and loyalty:

"No loyal friend was ever there for me...."

By contrast, Tolkien himself proposes a beautiful and keen insight into what true loyalty and friendship are through the mouth of the Hobbits in The Lord of the Rings:

“But it does not seem that I can trust anyone,' said Frodo. Sam looked at him unhappily. 'It all depends on what you want,' put in Merry. 'You can trust us to stick with you through thick and thin—to the bitter end. And you can trust us to keep any secret of yours—closer than you keep it yourself. But you cannot trust us to let you face trouble alone, and go off without a word. We are your friends, Frodo.”   

Friendship is a topic I ponder often.  Many problems in society and wounds in our own hearts could be healed if friendship were taken more seriously—as seriously as the Hobbits took it.

That truth leaves me with many questions.  Why, for instance, do men and women seek so desperately to find their partners and then cut themselves off from anyone who might be there to support them along their journey when the relationship gets tough?  Why must a close friendship automatically be required to be sexual?  Why does society regard friendship so poorly?

Throughout my life I have been blessed with many wonderful friends—some of which amaze me still by their beautiful loyalty—and there are few things I value more highly than friendship.  I have grown so much through those friendships.

I am myself, if I may boast a little, loyal in my friendships.  Sometimes I wonder if I am too loyal.

Loyalty seems a difficult quality to have in excess and yet perhaps it is possible after all.  Sometimes it can mean clinging to the past, holding onto the nostalgia of past experiences, and longing for the continuance of old friendships.  It can become controlling, needy, and desperately afraid to lose the good of the past and accept the gifts of the present.  One desires of course that all good things remain, but in reality they must ultimately come to an end, as that trite expression reminds us.  

Sometimes one must say goodbye.  Sometimes one must let friends follow other paths as distance, physical or mental, broadens the gap between them.  Sometimes one must let go for his own sanity.

Yet the loyal heart lets go only with difficulty.  The loyal friend desires to be there when the going gets tough, even if the other withdraws.

As one committed to loyalty, I assure you that I am here if you need me.  Despite my own flaws and failings, I will remain as true to you as I know how.  I will reach out to you even if years have passed since we last spoke and I think you no longer care to continue our friendship.  I will call you on your birthday just so you know you are loved.  I will write you a letter to know I am thinking of you.  If I happen to be in your region of the world, I will let you know.  Time may be lacking these days, but the desire for friendship and the will to be loyal are not.

In the end, perhaps true loyalty lies deeper.  Perhaps one must be courageous enough to let go even of what seems to be the loyal response so that the friendships may continue into eternity.